Saturday, September 22, 2007

5 Types of Titties

Let's be honest, everyone loves titties. Here are the five different types of titties I've encountered (ranked from worst to best):



5) Old Woman Tits - Beware the old woman tits. These are characterized by serious droopage, oblong shape, and a presumably oatmeal-like consistency. With any luck, you won't encounter this type of breast on a regular basis, but be careful of the following two scenarios in which you might be subjected to the torture of saggy old boobs: First, I've had the displeasure of seeing old woman tits on various nude beaches. This is a familiar medium for the exposure of the old woman tit, because most old women who go topless at nude beaches are so old that they just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. When visiting a nude beach, try to sit in the "young hottie" section (which usually never exists), and avoid making direct eye to tit contact with old women. The second scenario in which you might view old women tits is during an internet stroke session. Sometimes when you click on a link which you think might send you to a mainstream porn site, you are actually clicking on a link to old woman porn in disguise. When you are confronted with this issue, immediately click the back button on your browser and never discuss what happened with anyone.







4) "Whaan Whaan" Boobs - Besides old women tits, these are the worst type of boob you might come across in the urban jungle. The problem is, "Whaan Whaan" boobs (WWB) can be disguised much more easily than old women titties. Let me try to describe WWB so you know what to look for. WWB are characterized by a triangular pointed shape. In many cases, they are accompanied by larger than average nipples which are also triangular and never get hard. There are some schools of thought which consider the triangular soft nipple to be the only necessary quality for a boob to be considered a WWB.


Nevertheless, the name "Whaan Whaan" comes from the imagined sound that your hands would make while trying to squeeze them. Instead of a typical, supple breast, which is be round in shape and can be squeezed with a full hand, WWB can only be properly grabbed by extending your fingers and grabbing with just the tips of the hands. Therefore, instead of a typical boob grab, which could be accompanied by an "mmmm" sound, the WWB grab mandates a "whaan whaan" noise.


I consider the WWB to be very revolting, but you might not realize you are dealing with WWB until your hook-up has taken her shirt off, and by that point there is not much you can do but just go with the flow. However, no girl with WWB should ever receive an call back of any sort.


3) Massive Jugs - Have you ever heard the saying "too much of a good thing"? Although I am just as much of a fan of being smothered by big naturals as the next guy, sometimes tits can just be too big. The Mook refers to these massive jugs as "cans", which is both derogatory and awesome. One of the main problems with girls that have giant boobs is that the nipples are typically of the dinner plate variety and you can sometimes see veins, which is disgusting. Additionally, girls with massive cans sometimes have different sized boobs. WTF? How is this possible? There is nothing worse than hooking up with a girl, discovering that her boobs are grossly disproportional and then wondering if she is some kind of handicapped freakshow with webbed toes and a club foot.



2) Porn Star/Stripper Tits - Good God, I love this types of tit. Albiet, most of these hotties have surgically enhanced chests, but who gives a fuck. These genius plastic surgeons are performing miracles all across the world everyday. They make a ton of money, but they should still get some sort of public funding for the gift to society they give us. Honestly, I've never had the pleasure to get frisky with fake tits, but I hear mixed reviews. Many people claim that they are too hard, or feel fake (really, dumbasses?). You know what I think? It doesn't matter. For the most part, this type of tit is more for watching than feeling anyway. If they look good, then let's just enjoy them and move on.



1) Uh-huuuh Titties - The best and brightest of the bunch, these tits are just perfect. Not too big, not too small, round and smooth with a hard nipple, they make you say "uh-huuuh" when you see them. There is nothing better than taking a girl home, watching her take her shirt off and seeing the perfect tit staring you down like a tiny little bulls eye. I say "uh-huh" because I am struck speechless by the beauty of the tit and the anticipation of what is about to happen with it. "Uh-huuh" titties need to be real, they need to be round, and they need to make you smile. Thank you God for "uh-huuh" titties.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?

Anonymous said...

does anyone think porn is the only business still thriving during the credit cruch? I think many folks seek refuge in buying and wanking porn during the crunch

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